Pins & Needles

My health has improved tremendously over the past few weeks. I am probably feeling better than before I first began treatment for multiple myeloma last September. I go for a workout nearly every day. After a week of slowly getting limbered up, I now spend 30 minutes on the squash court doing warm-ups and drills, then forty-five minutes on the orbital walker at one hundred twenty strides per minute or faster. I finish with a few light sets of weights on my arms, shoulders and chest. It is a tiring workout and I am very glad to be able to handle it.

I did go for additional consultation to hear from a third party whether continuing in the trial was likely to be beneficial to me. The answers were uniformly and positively, "Yes!" They opened my eyes to the dangers of allogeneic transplant (using cells from a perfectly matched donor). Basically, the donor cells are likely to continue attacking the host body long after the cancer has been conquered. That commonly causes severe and chronic problems – usually in the lungs, the liver, the skin and the gut. Even so, their recommendation was to go FOR the allogeneic, if it were possible. Autologous transplants have never been shown to produce a cure, only allogeneic have done that. They encouraged me to go for the cure.

They also made me more clearly understand that multiple myeloma is a really dangerous cancer and that it kills people. It was a tough message to hear. I left there really shaken and upset. And I waited on pins and needles to get the results of my brothers' tests. Two weeks later I found out that neither test turned out to be a perfect match. And I am glad I did not have to face the decision to continue down that track.

I still have my doubts and fears, but tomorrow (April 11th, 2006) I start my second autologous blood stem cell transplant.

My doubts area based on medical journal articles. My fears (mostly) are based on my experience going through transplant in February.

My tests last week were completely negative for multiple myeloma. I am in remission. That is great news! So why do a second transplant? The journal articles seem to say that there is less likely to be additional benefit to a patient who has had a successful first transplant. The doctors all say that there is a likelihood that some cancerous cells remained after the first chemotherapy. Doing a second cycle increases the chances that nearly all will be killed -- prolonging my remission even further.

When I went in for my first transplant, I was energized and curious to discover the experience of chemotherapy and the transplant. Now that I know what it is and that they plan to repeat it exactly as before, I dread it. The nausea, the lack of energy, the smells and all the repetitive blood, temperature, weight, 'output volume', pulse rate checking, re-checking and then one more time checking ... What I mean is: Now that I know what it is, I do not want to do it again. I really do not.

There are particular moments that are very unpleasant. Writing them out here will only make my thoughts of them worse for me tomorrow, so I am not going to do that right now; maybe later.

The team there at Hackensack University Medical Center will do their best to make sure I come through this as well as last time. I expect that I will be able to endure and the two weeks I will be there will pass by in a flash. Then I can recuperate quickly and re-start my work and regular life again.

I am ready to get this all behind me. I am going to miss Easter at home, so once I get back home and feel up to it, I will cook a special brunch with the menu I would have made -- my Grandmother's traditional Easter dinner: home made polish sausage, baked ham, carrot jello, shrimp salad, hard boiled eggs, rolls with butter and a lamb cake. Yummy!

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